we have had our identities ripped from us-
who we are
who we were
who we were meant to be.
we have been altered, primped,
groomed into what is wanted
an illusion
no identity
no reality
no self
it's all fake
we cannot revolt
we must pretend
we must be what they want us to be
yet i can no longer be what they want me to be
and they love me anyways
i'm not sure what i want to be though
or who i want to be
i want to be me
yet i do not know who i am anymore
i am the butterfly in my cocoon
not yet ready to present myself to the word
but i am evolving and changing and growing day by day
someday when i grow up i will be ME
written by ME
God help us all
those of us who are lost and seeking but for what we know not.
I've put this page off for a long time. Probably way to long. I figure it's time for Jane Q. Public (and John too) to know what happens
after those hyped reunion shows are over. Guess what --all that emotion and crying and junk you see on TV --well it ends...
Please don't misunderstand me -- I'm not bitter I just have a tendancy to be pretty blunt and if you doubt that I'll give you references.
(LOL)
It's about me and me alone. It's not gonna be very nice or pretty so if you are easily offended you better
bug out now. My wit and style, sarcastic at best, harsh and unfunny at worst will definantly play out here in real life form.
In case you couldn't tell on some of my other pages, I'm opinionated, brutally honest and bossy yet loyal and loving...probably
to a fault and a major downfall of mine.
It's been over a year since my reunion and I havn't talked to my birthmother or any family members since last June. I am truly in limbo
-- Dante's Inferno, if you will lost and wandering on some unknown level. I know I know be grateful be grateful. Well you know what folks,
I AM grateful -- grateful that I had such wonderful a'parents that raised me or i'da done had a nervous breakdown by now.
'Cause after the show is over, the lights are out and everyone goes home you have to figure out how all these new folks fit into your
life --or even if you WANT them in your life and vice versa!!
I have learned some momentous things about myself and life in the process of this "reunion" and I've decided to share some of
that with you. What you do with it is up to you!
1. The reunion is only the bologna in the middle of the sandwich! Get a clue folks, it takes TIME to figure out who/what when/where
/how you should do with all these new folks and emotions running rampant over your life!
2. Just because you are supposed to have this natural bond with your birth mother doesn't mean you WILL!
3. Relationships DON'T happen overnight-this one here is VERY important folks. Remember it took God 6 days to make the earth!
4. There really is a God and her sense of humor leaves a lot to be desired!
That's it for now..check back soon as this page will be an ever-growing work in progress!!!
Hugs and Much Peace
XG
6/2/99
I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. The great Martin Luther King Jr. said he had a dream...well he's not the only one. We ALL
have dreams and sometimes, late at night when the kids are asleep, I think about mine and it makes me sad. I never thought my life
would turn out like this. I work HARD to remind myself that this is IT. There is no fairy tale, no prince charming, no fairy
godmother, no evil queen this is reality. I was lied to. I think we all have been lied to. Faith Hill sings a song about living someone
else's dream and the first time I heard it I knew it applied to me. I mean how many of us have done things, chosen roads in our lives
not because we wanted to but because our parents want us to? ... because society expected us to??
Society has views of what they (as a whole) consider normal. I have decided that I don't like what society considers normal.
I have become the rule not the exception in some respects.
Can you immagine what it is like to walk around most, if not all of your life, and not know a single soul that looks like you? (besides
maybe your children and if you don't know who you look like you certanly don't know who they look
like!!!)
I want to share something a friend sent me-this pretty much sums it up---
....It is entitled "Loss in the Adoption Hand-Off" by Darlene Gerow. It reads:
"Before we begin, please list your most favorite in each of the five
catagories. Write your choices down - Your most favorite sound. Your
most favorite taste. Your most favorite smell. Your most favorite place. Your
most favorite person.
Although dfficult, choose among your favorites, discarding the one you will
miss the least . . continue discarding until all of your favorites are
gone. Take careful note of how it feels to imagine losing all of your most
favorites, including your most favorite person.
A child's favorites are perhaps easier to recognize, but please consider
the favorites of babies and the very real losses they experience during the
hand-off of adoption.
Baby's most favorite sound: The regular in and out of my mother's
breathing and the dependable rhythm of her heart beat. But mostly the sound
of her voice.
Baby's most favorite taste: My mother's milk, created exclusively for me.
And the taste of her skin, her breast. It is all one.
Baby's most favorite smell: The scent of my mother's skin as I bury my
face in her neck. It is basic and right. It is where I belong.
Baby's most favorite place: Cradled in my mother's arms, next to the
sounds and smells and tastes that I have experienced since my conception.
This is home.
Baby's most favorite person: My mother is my universe. She is a part of
me just as I am a part of her. No one can replace her. If I am separated
from her, I will long for her my entire life.
Adoptees, regardless of their age, whether they are newborn or older,
domestically adopted or foreign, give up all their favorite things when
they are adopted.
The loss begins with their name. They lose all information about themselves
and their origins. They lose their identity.
They lose it all. They lose the smells and tastes and sounds and places and
people with whom they are familiar . . . all of their favorites. Everything
they have ever known is gone and changed forever.
Their greatest loss, which you surely understand, is the loss of their
favorite person. They lose their most favorite person, irrevocably.
By recognizing an adoptee's loss, we can endeavor to ease the pain by
maintaining as much of his or her previous life as possible. With empathy
we can make their transition more humane."
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
The card says at the end: "This is my effort to help make adoption, when it
is necessary, more humane. I dedicate it to all the adoptees in my life.
This booklet was inspired by Ken Watson, Ph.D. - Darlene Gerow"
This, my darlings, is what it's like to be adopted. This sums it up better than anything I could have written myself.
thats enough for now...
peace to all
xena grace
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